It's About Time

Imagine for a moment that you are in the process of paying bills. The mortgage is 33 hours, the car payment is 20 hours, utilities, about 12 hours, groceries for a month about 20 hours, and the the list goes on to include things like insurance, gas, clothing and more. We don’t pay for things with money but with hours of our lives.

I have always been a more of a saver than a spender. Perhaps it is because when I got my first job waiting tables for a dollar and hour in a restaurant where tips were rare it impacted how I looked at purchasing things. I would see a record album or a pair of jeans that I really wanted then I would ask myself if I wanted the album enough to work ten hours for it. Were the jeans really worth 35 hours?

Even after college when my work became salaried I would do the math and average out, as best I could, how much I was earning per hour. It really helps with cutting down on impulse purchases. This mindset led me to completely buy into the time/money ratio and how they work.

We can make more money but we can’t make or buy time. When it’s gone, it’s gone. I can look at my bank accounts and investments on my phone and quickly ballpark my net worth. There is no app to tell me my worth in time. Time is priceless. I may have years or I may only have minutes. I suppose that is why I have little tolerance for people that disrespect me by wasting my time. Do you know any of these people?

The Late One This person doesn’t just arrive late once in awhile they make it a habit. It never occurs to this person that the 15 -30 minutes you spend waiting on them is 15-30 minutes that you could be doing something more productive, entertaining or relaxing than waiting on their self-centered butt. Years ago I had a friend that was so bad about being late that I got in the habit of requesting her arrival 30 minutes before I actually wanted her to arrive. I wouldn’t do that now and would kindly tell her why. I have a limited amount of time in my life and is not okay for people to act as though it is not important or less important than their life/time.

The Non-Committal Planner These are the folks that ignore the RSVP part of an invitation. They might show-up, they might not, but you won’t know ahead of time. More laid back people just roll with this but it is just plain rude.

These people aren’t good at committing even when it is a laid back get together like going to a movie. You call or text several days in advance and extend an invitation. When they respond, which is often 24 hours or more later, they ask if they can get back to you or ask when you need to know. What it sounds like is that they might go with you but they want the flexibility of backing out if they get a more enticing invitation from someone else. There are times when a person legitimately has to wait for more information before deciding, I get it, and it’s okay. Just say when you will let me know and then I can choose to either wait for your response or I can proceed with plans that do not include you.

The Egocentric This person only considers their own needs and believes their time is more special than everyone else’s. I have been volunteering at an assisted living and over time have become friends with several residents. Unfortunately, The Enrichment Coordinator, is a very egocentric person. She would tell me I was on the schedule to lead an event but I would often show up and the residents and other staff had not been informed. When I tried to talk to her about it she at first made light of it then became defensive blaming having a lot going on in her life. I wasn’t volunteering to gain friendship points with her which is good since she never once said thank you. She also never apologized for the times I rushed in from work and skipped dinner to arrive at my designated time. She disrespected me and all the residents that didn’t get the opportunity to participate in activities. It makes me sad, but I have decided that I will drop in and visit with my senior friends during a meal time and explain to them why I will no longer be leading activities.

Benjamin Franklin is credited with having stated, “Time is money”. Yes, but when we really think about it, time is all any of us have and it is quickly slipping away. My advice, don’t waste it on people that aren’t worth it.

Thanks to the following that shared their time and talent through photographs; Aron Visuals, Jon Tyson, Malvestida Magazine and neonbrand.

2020 Vision

There was a time when I had better than 20/20 vision. Kind of like my youth, I didn’t fully appreciate it until it was gone. What if I could employ a vision statement for the year 2020? Oh, how I would want it to live up to it’s title and be perfect! But here in the real world we all know that won’t happen.

Hindsight, they say, is always 2020. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually. I have learned from most of my mistakes, have stopped repeating all but a few of them and yet I always seem to find a few new ones to make. I also embrace that mistakes equal learning and learning should be a life-long process.

What if I (or you) had the ability to create a vision statement that would really work.?

Excuse me while I deal with the twitch in my eye and onset of a headache brought on from thinking about past vision (and mission) statements. You know the ones where your work place or organization spent hours, perhaps days, coming up with the 2020/perfect vision. The same one that everyone promptly forgot with 24 hours.

Call me a pessimist, but I would start by listing the things I would like to have disappear from our world:

  • Fake News
  • Hate Crimes
  • Power-hungry leadership
  • Intolerance

My vision statement isn’t new or even innovative. It’s beauty is in it’s simplicity. Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.

There are several of these beautiful banners displayed around my little town at both homes and businesses.

What happened that made so many of us forget that treating others with respect and dignity is in no way a validation of their behavior, language or actions? Intelligent, two way conversations are a great teaching and learning tool. We can disagree and still be civil, even friends when both parties work at it. By intelligent I mean that everyone gets to be heard, everyone listens and everyone accepts that the other person/people may not be swayed to believe as you do. Wasn’t our country founded on such ideals?

So what can I do? What can anyone do?

I can try to be better. I can try to live my life in a way that makes me proud and avoid things that have strong potential of ending with regret whenever possible.

I can do my best to investigate news and weed out the fake information. To do this I will not rely on one source for information which means I must dedicate time to research. I will not buy into word of mouth accounts until I do my homework. This also means that I will work to be an informed voter. I will try to see the whole picture and never vote for a candidate just because of their party affiliation.

I can speak up, when in conversation, people say things that in small or large ways supports dehumanizing others. I can also walk away when someone tries to dehumanize me, but only after I tell them why I am leaving.

I may be retired, but I still have regular contact with many young people. I can try to lead by example. When opportunity presents itself I can share with them how the best leaders don’t intimidate but focus on bringing out the best in each member of their team. Good leaders realize that none of us is as smart as all of us.

I can value people even when others may judge me negatively for my association with people they may deem as “less than”. I will try to remember that Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi and Nelson Mandela lived this way and that if I can be even a little bit more like these people it will be worth the effort.

I can try and when I fail I can apologize if needed, learn and then try again.

Happy New Year dear friends and followers.

Photo credits and appreciation to David Travis, Sharon McCutcheo, History in HD, kelly Sikkeman and Suzanne Pogue

I appreciate your comments, emails and sharing of my blog.

American Airlines Hostages

Okay, so I wasn’t literally held hostage at the airport, it just felt like it. The source of the situation was American Airlines.

Last week I was on vacation. The actual vacation part was really nice. Getting away helps relieve stress and also makes us appreciate our own space and towns upon our return. It is the getting to your destination and getting back home that has turned into a nightmare.

I don’t live near an airport, the closest is LEX (Lexington, KY) which is about 75 miles away. It is a small airport so there is usually no choice among carriers and flights almost always require at least one connection.

This is the nicest way I can tell you what I think about American Airlines

Getting to New England wasn’t horrible, it just wasn’t what I planned. My first flight was cancelled. I found out before I left home. It was a pooper because it meant that I would miss the initial gathering for the group tour and a meal both of which I had paid for in advance. I would also arrive in Boston too late in the day to go exploring. The rescheduled flight was delayed which meant I had to run to the gate for my connecting flight with no time to even stop by the bathroom much less grab a stale $20 airport sandwich. I arrive at the gate and read the board which informed me the flight was delayed. They don’t tell you how long the delay will be so you still don’t know if you have time to take care of the desperately needed potty run.

Once you have checked into the airport you are their hostage. There is no one to assist you, no one cares, and they can cancel and delay your flights until we all need snowshoes in Hell!

The return trip was Hell. Because I was with a group tour we were all dropped off at BOS at the same time. I had almost three hours to kill before boarding. Finally, five minutes before time to board my phone notifies that my flight is delayed. I checked my connection time for Philadelphia and knew I would miss it. I approached the stand to ask about another flight that might get me home. The person there informed they they couldn’t talk to me because they were busy with a flight delay. I mumbled, “Yeah, me too.” as I walked away. I resigned myself that I would spend another day away from me beloved dog and have to sleep somewhere in Philly. I called my dog sitter and begged for another day.

My phone pings again, telling me I am going to miss the connection in Philly; as if I hadn’t figured that out. My next message was that I might be able to re-book onto another flight and still get home. I took care of that, again on my phone. As I did this I thought about the stress for someone without a smartphone or lower technology skills. How would that person, especially if traveling alone, handle stress of not knowing what to do and airport personnel being unwilling to help. I recalled the Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal. With the flight re-booked I decided I had just enough time to go to the bathroom and couldn’t help but wonder how many time the seats on planes get used as toilets because people had to choose between making their flight or using the bathroom. Yes, I have been on more than one, 2 plus hour flights where you were never allowed to leave your seat. Think about that the next time they tell you your seat cushion can also be used as a flotation device!

I bet you can guess what happened next. The flight was delayed. They told us that our plane had mechanical issues earlier in the day and it’s previous flight had to return to the airport and be exchanged for another plane. They were quite chipper in letting us know that they were trying to repair the problem or get us another plane. By then I wanted another plane, even the one with duck tape and scotch tape from my last trip in January would be okay.

I took this picture myself in January 2019 aboard an American Airlines plane. See the duct tape? Another place was held together with scotch tape.

After another hour, they told us that they thought the plane was fixed but the captain wanted to drive it around a little to check it. What? I didn’t see the connection between being able to taxi around on pavement and being able to stay in the air at thirty-thousand feet. Finally, after another 45 minutes we boarded the plane. It was now over five hours from the time I should have had lift off with the original flight and over eight hours in Terminal B. Maybe that is why they call them terminals.

It isn’t over. After we are seated the captain comes over the intercom which is on ear-piercing volume and tells us that the plane is fixed. That we shouldn’t worry because the fix was a pass/fail sort of thing. I still don’t know why he thought that would put our minds at ease. Did the person that decided it was a pass say, ” Yes, this plane is fixed I would put my own family on it and not be concerned.” or did the person say, ” I clocked in at 9:00 this morning and I just want to get home, I think this old contraption might make it one more flight. I would say the odds are 56% there will be no more issues.”

I was so tired and so upset that I started wondering if they would just let us die in the terminal rather than put us in a hotel and try again the next day.

The pilot then tells us that there is heavy fog in Lexington and we might not get cleared for take off and that if we do there are storms over the Smokey Mountains and it will likely be rough flight. By then I was asking myself if I was right with God. I decided I was, said a prayer for safety and another thanking God for the good life given to me.

We made it. Even my luggage made it which completely shocked me. Hats off to the folks that handle the bags!

Through this ordeal I kept hearing the old American Airlines commercials singing in my head. Remember the ones where they say, “We’re American Airlines; Doing what we do best!” I say it is an epic fail, and they don’t care. Crap can happen with any of the airlines but after my last three horrible experiences with American I will drive to a more distant airport to avoid them.

In case you are wondering about the other two times. Here is the short version of the worst one. Flying from Paris to O’Hare. Somewhere over the ocean American Airlines discovers the pilot has too many hours on his log. They make us land in Newark. Before they can round up another pilot we are grounded due to weather. They offered no food, no water and we couldn’t deplane. By the time we finally got to Chicago we had were stuck there for the night and had been on the plane for 21 hours!

The following video pretty much sums up current expectations for flying with a commercial airline, except reality is even worse.

Finally, Just for kicks and giggles, watch this old for Continental Air. “On Continental Airlines, we really move our tails for you!” Ah, for the good ‘ol days!

Thanks to the following for the use of their photos: Ross Sokolovski, Andy Watkins, Nicole Honeywill, Arisa Chatassa, Evan McArthur and Yours Truly.

The Busy Contest

True confession: I am competitive and I like win. It is rather surprising for me to realize that my desire to win is waning, it is still there, it is strong, but not like it was in years past.  What a blessing it is to longer feel such a powerful desire to prove myself.

 There is one contest in particular of which I am consciously trying to steer clear and not get caught up in its web of participation.  It is the Busy Contest. Some of you dear readers do not want to hear what I am about to say, but I challenge you to forge on to the end. This realization has improved my life and reduced my stress in significant measures.

I get satisfaction from creating to do lists and then checking of the tasks as I complete them. I am OCD like that.

 Not so long ago when anyone other than my doctor would ask how I have been doing my standard reply was, “Busy”.  I would then proceed to enlighten the poor soul with all the things I was working on or had accomplished in the recent past.  It sounded kind of like this: “This time of year at work is always the worst, I feel like I earn my entire year’s salary during the month of ______(fill in the blank).  I am training for another half marathon and hope to break my personal record. I am also trying to finish up my middle grade novel and find an agent. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, Blah, Blah, Blah.

 Almost everyone took the bait and joined into the contest.  The competitor would briefly acknowledge my hectic life and then without pause proceed to recite their own busy list.  It sounded something like this: Oh I know, my job is just crazy too. Every since I was promoted (promotion equals bonus points in the contest) I have been spending 12 hours a day at the office.  Then of course Ava is getting married in the spring and there is so much that has to be done to plan her dream wedding. Then there is Marcus, between academic team, soccer,DECA, BETA and college interviews there just isn’t enough time for anything else.

 The busy contest is a little like boxing because it is played in rounds.  In the scenario described above the competitor that is the first to either look at their watch or get an urgent cell phone call and with smile, proclaim, “Oh, Gotta run!” is the winner of said round.

 I have come to realize that this game is not good for anyone because even when you win, especially when you win, you lose.  How can one enjoy their child’s first piano recital when it lasts longer than expected causing one to be late getting to their other child’s star performance in the high school play while their own project deadline for work is going to demand most of the the night’s hours that should be spent sleeping?  I get it, sometimes this happens. We get whammied with several important events that overlap. But I argue that more often than not we get this busy by choice.

 When did it become fashionable to honor our stress and praise the stress of our family and friends as if it were an achievement?  Healthy? Physicians and psychologists agree that stress lowers our resistance to fight off illness and can even be a primary cause of physical and mental ailments.

  Children learn by example.  Do we really want our kids to grow up thinking that being a good parent means doing everything for everyone at the expense of health?  Is the lesson that the one with the most on their calendar and to do list gets to wear the crown?

I learned most of the things that kept me “busy” are not things that had to be done.  Rather they are things that I choose to do. Things like writing this blog, playing bunco with the girls,volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, taking my dog for a run. The list can go on and on. Instead of telling myself that I am busy with these things I am starting to make a conscious effort to remember that I am blessed with precious time and I can choose how to invest and enjoy the gift of each day.

 I have a lovely friend that reaches out almost every morning by texting a meme to me that either includes scripture or a Christian quote.  They are nice and I know she sends the same one to many people hoping give us a little inspiration to start the day. I appreciate her and her kindness. Yet sometimes, I can’t help but wish she would make it more personal.  Perhaps, ask how I am doing or tell me about something going on in her life. I typically reply with a happy emoji or a brief statement of agreement. Today, hoping for a brief personal interaction, I replied asking, “How are you?”  Her one word response was, “Busy”. I am sure she had many tasks and that her agenda for the day was indeed full. I also realized that it was an invitation to enter the contest with her by texting back all the things I needed to do.  I wonder if my response was a little surprising? I tapped out “Yes, I know you stay busy.” She sent back a smiley emoji and I let that be the end, She won the contest because I won’t play.

 After my mother passed away and I needed to empty her home I found a list on her kitchen table of people for whom she had planned to give homemade cookies after she recovered from her surgery.  I also found a list of things such as returning books to the library and taking the dog to the vet. When she made the lists I doubt that it crossed her mind that she might never return to her home, that the cancer that was supposed to be able to be removed completely with surgery would spread so fast that any plans she had for anything afterward would never play out.  I learned a valuable lesson from her list of people that would have received her annual gift of delicious fresh cookies. I learned that no matter the age we have reached when our life ends, be it 10 years old or 100 years old, there will be things that we did not finish. Think about it, No matter how busy you are, no matter how much you plan or how hard you work, there will be tasks that you never see through to fruition.

 I did many things today.   I wrote this blog entry, I called a friend and we met at the theater and watched a movie followed by coffee and a nice chat.  I did a few household chores and I brushed my dog and played with her. I fixed myself a meal and have talked with two friends on the phone.  There were other things I would have done if I had more time, but that is ok. If God gives me more time tomorrow I can proceed to more things.  I was not busy, I was enjoying the gift of the time granted to me today.

Psalm 46:10 speaks to my soul

After hearing the Bible verse,Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God” for many years it’s deeper meaning hit me one day. I was always trying to do something, to take charge of things and concur tasks and goals when what I really needed to do was stop and acknowledge God’s gentle voice telling me to have faith and to trust in him.

 Are we really that busy and if we are, isn’t it our choice?  Does being busy help a person to feel that they have value and are important? I would love to know your thoughts on this topic. Please leave your comments. Thanks for reading. My wish is that you have a day that isn’t busy but jam packed with people and activities you enjoy.

Dear Kroger, We Need to Talk

Perhaps I am a freak but I have always, kind of, sort of, enjoyed grocery shopping. Okay, the truth is until recently I almost always enjoyed grocery shopping. Not anymore.

Note how little room there is to move past the Clicklist cart and this fashionably dressed employee is allowing more space than what is typical

I am not a craggy, old, grouch that can’t accept changes in technology. When Kroger started Clicklist I thought it was a great idea for some people, just not so much for me. I thought about the convenience for large families that would have long lists of food and other items they would would need to get through the week. The hour spent picking out cereal, salmon filets, apples and yogurt could now be spent doing any number of other things. For example, one might sit on the bleachers of the school’s gym during a child’s sporting event or school play and multitask by ordering one’s groceries from Clicklist at the same time. Forget about the fact that this too may take an hour and that you won’t really be paying attention to what happening on the gym floor. I also thought about how someone, perhaps an elderly customer, would like that they didn’t have walk up and down the aisles in the sub-zero air typical of grocery stores. So let it be noted, that I see times, that for certain folks, this type of shopping is convenient and for that reason I have a live and let live philosophy.

I can only speak for myself but this is why I don’t choose Clicklist. If I am buying cereal I want to look at the prices and see what is on sale. Yes, I know I can do that on the app, but it takes longer and by the time I look for the price of Cheerios compared to Raisin Bran, Life and Corn Flakes I have already forgotten the price for Cheerios. Clicklist (offered at many stores under a different names) doesn’t let me read the label. I may want to compare calories, fat and carbs before making my selection. When it comes to salmon filets and apples I want to pick those myself. Call me picky but when I step up to the meat counter for salmon I point out the particular piece I want. There are several brands of yogurt that I like and in deciding which to buy I will again decide after comparing price, coupon, and nutrition.

Customers doing their own shopping often find it difficult to move past the Clicklist carts either in the middle of the aisle or turned sidways.

Working as a Clicklist employee must be tough. They move fast claiming the right of way without making eye contact as if to say, that since I am picking out my own food, I don’t matter. Hmm, do those employees get tips? Is that why they seem irritated that I am in their space? The way they swing their wide carts around and travel down the center of the aisle brings back memories driving through Eastern Kentucky back when coal was booming and the trucks didn’t care if they caused you to leave the road or slide off the side of the mountain. It was only once, but I was mowed down by a Clicklist cart driver. No blood, no apology, but a good size bruise.

Is it asking too much to let me choose my own bananas?

Clicklist is so popular that there are fewer and fewer traditional lanes open. Another way to punish those of us that want to shop in the traditional manner and not leave it up to a stranger to decide if the bananas are green enough. Has it even occurred to the powers that be in marketing that they should value the customer that actually comes inside the store. We are the ones that make impulse purchases!

If it doesn’t save time and make things easier then what is the point?

The newest thing at Kroger is Scan, Bag Go. I was willing to try this approach where you pick up a hand held scanner as you enter the store and scan items as you put them in cart. When you are finished you go to the Scan, Bag Go line, scan the barcode there and proceed to bag up your items, pay and go. If it really worked that way I might be a fan, but it doesn’t. I used it no less than 10 times before I gave up on it. Every time there was an issue. The register would call for an attendant who would then question certain items and expect me to pull them back out. Items reduced for quick sale, such as the flowers I often buy, never scan and require the monitoring employee to have to punch in their number and then scan them for me. The proverbial straw was a day when the monitoring employee had to come over three times. Besides my discounted flowers it didn’t like that I had over 20 items and had an issue with a coupon. I asked the employee how this was saving anyone any time. She asked me, practically begged me, to tell a manager. She even said she would page one for me. She was the only one assigned to monitor eight Scan Bag Go registers, all in use, and all having issues. I knew she wanted to complain to management but it would fall on deaf ears and she would just be the employee that complains. She was hoping they might listen to the customer. I told her I really just wanted to get out of there, that maybe next time I would talk with a manager. She gave me a weak smile and sighed, “I really hope you do.”

These have a barcode but the Scan Bag Go scanner won’t read it.

The next time I walked into the store I skipped the handheld scanner and went about old fashioned shopping. I happened to see a manager as I passed through the deli section. I politely told him why I wouldn’t be using Scan, Bag, Go. He was very quick to thank me for sharing but his abrupt way of dismissing me made it clear that he couldn’t care less. I have never crashed a wedding, funeral or party of any type but I suspect such a person would feel more welcomed than I do in my local grocery store.

While I have never been able to buy everything at Aldi, I like their set up, their product is quality and even when the lines are long, they move fast. If they can expand their selection a bit they will soon get all of my business instead of 50%.

Just Say No

While it is not a bad idea for people to just say no to things like drugs, alcohol, and tobacco; that is not what I will be discussing with you today.  I want to talk about the lame excuses that people offer up to us instead of simply saying the magical two letter word.

Example: Liz calls up her friend Kathy and asks if she wants to go see a particular movie the next day. Kathy doesn’t want to see the movie with Liz even though she and Liz are friends.  Perhaps, Kathy just wants to spend the evening at home, or she doesn’t think she will enjoy that particular film. It could be that she doesn’t like watching movies with Liz because Liz chats throughout the movie, something that both Kathy and other movie goers doesn’t like. There are a zillion reasons why Kathy may not want to go to the movie on that particular day or with Liz, yet if Kathy is like most people she won’t simply say no.  Unless she already has a commitment for the following evening the odds are that she will make an excuse.

Why do so many of us struggle so much with that simple little word?  I only know one person that has refined this skill into an art form.  A friend, that I won’t call by name, (you know who you are) will simply, yet politely, decline an invitation by honestly saying, “I don’t want to do that.”  I don’t get my feelings hurt, in part because I am an adult, also because I know I can be just as frank with her when I turn down an invitation. It is so much simpler this way.

Another reason most of us struggle with saying no is that we don’t want to hurt a person’s feelings.  If Kathy tells Liz she doesn’t like how she chats nonstop during movies it is possible that Kathy will get angry.  It could damage or even end the friendship. Perhaps, Liz has never had anyone tell her this before and if made aware of the issue she might change her ways. Tough Call.

Another reason could be that while Kathy doesn’t want to go to the movies the next day she hesitates to say no because she fears that Liz will not ask again in the future. Fear of rejection is the number one reason that lots of people struggle to say no.

In recent years I have noticed a trend where instead of saying no, people just avoid giving any response at all.  I am dubbing a new name for this, let’s call it selective ghosting.  Almost everyone has experienced this a time or two, or 200.  You send out an email asking people on your team to let you know if they can attend and assist with an upcoming event that your mutual organization is sponsoring.  Some will say yes, a few may tell you why they must decline and the rest will make less noise than crickets. They know that it would be easier for you to proceed if they would just act as an adult and say no, but they won’t do it.  Do they fear you will hound them or try to change their minds? I can only speak for myself; I don’t have the time, energy or inclination to hound someone about volunteering. I take their no as a no. But I need them to cough it up.

The same kind of thing happens with text messages and voice mail. I know there are exceptions, everyone forgets once in awhile.  But I suspect about 90% of the time it is selective ghosting and it is, at best, highly frustrating.

There are also people that prefer to make you regret contacting them at all.  I know a few of these and I admit their tactics work. It goes something like this:  After you send out the email or text the person asks you to call. You do as asked but you get voicemail or worse you hear this, “The party you have dialed has a voice-mail-box that has not been set up. Goodbye.”  If you are one of those folks just realize that you are not fooling anyone. You;re screening your calls. There is nothing inherently bad about screening calls unless you use it because you are not adult enough to say no.  Later, you reach out again to the person or they call you back and they start in telling you about their third cousin’s new baby and how they have been busy with helping decorate the nursery and that they have been working long hours and their cat just got neutered and shouldn’t be left alone.  They are waiting for the cable company to call, while they bake cupcakes for P.T.A and their fibromyalgia is acting up. They pepper the conversation with little comments about how they are interested in whatever it is you are suggesting as to string you along. Eventually, you get so tired of listening to them going on about Aunt Ethel’s gallbladder surgery that you just say no for them. They make you so sorry that you asked them and waste so much of your time that you promise yourself to never ask them again. 

A couple of years ago I was doing some freelance work for a magazine.  The editor called me and was interested in an article about The March of Dimes.  He was hoping I knew a local person that was involved with this charity so that the interview would have a personal flare.  I informed him that I did know such a person and that I could take the assignment.

The lady I had in mind had been a pretty good friend in years past when we were both involved in a social group.  She was always very active in raising money for March of Dimes and I had always contributed as generously as I could when I received her annual appeal in the mail.  The social group we had both been involved in had dismantled a few years prior and while our paths seldom crossed, I still considered her to be at least a good acquaintance.  

I called her office and left a message with her secretary asking that she return my call.  Two days later when I had not heard from her I sent a message via Facebook messenger. No Luck.

I few more days went by and my deadline was inching closer.  I again called her office and again had to leave a message to which she didn’t reply.

The next day I saw her husband while working out at the gym. I told him about the magazine article and asked if he would relay the message to her.  I also added that if she was just to busy to grant me a twenty minute interview then I understood but my deadline was approaching and I really hoped to hear from her, even if it was just for her to say no.  Nothing. Not so much as a cricket chirp. I had to call my editor and apologize that I couldn’t write the story because my “friend” was ghosting me. I didn’t count on the pay from my freelance work to make ends meet but it was a missed opportunity and payment.

About a year later I started seeing campaign signs for this lady.  She was running for office. As the election day drew closer I would sometimes see her, her husband or even her teenage kids out knocking on doors asking for votes.  What was I going to say if one of them approached me?

I decided an appropriate response would go something like. “Yes, I have seen Betty’s (not her real name) campaign signs. By the way, you (she) never got back with me about that article I was trying to write about how she always worked so hard supporting March of Dimes.  I would have thought she would welcome positive press.” I would wait for whatever excuse she or one of her family members would conjure up while sitting on the hot seat. If they continued to pursue having me verbally commit my vote to her I would tell them that her not returning my call to even say no made me concerned that she would not be a voice for the people she would represent in office.  I would not vote for her.

When the election rolled around I didn’t forget.

That scenario was only slightly nerve-racking when it played out in my imagination.  It was different when two days later someone rang my doorbell. It wasn’t her or her husband, but some relative that I didn’t know.  He quickly handed me a campaign card and said she would appreciate my vote. He didn’t ask if I would vote for her and I simply took the card.  

Later that same week I showed up at a small community event. I spotted Betty’s husband who was milling around asking people to vote for his wife.  I tried to casually stay out of his radar, but after awhile I turned around and there he was. He was more direct and after a few pleasantries he abruptly asked if he and Betty could count on my support.

I didn’t say yes, but I totally wimped out.  I tried asking about their triplets, if he was still going to the same gym, blah, blah.  I talked around the question and lost my nerve.  

I admit it. I am a chicken and at times have difficulty saying no. I didn’t promise my vote but I also didn’t actually say, “No, I will not vote for her.” I didn’t vote for her, end of story.

How do you handle being selectively ghosted?  Can you say no regardless of the circumstances? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

Happy Labor Day, especially to all of you that will clock in at your work place without a day off. I appreciate you and hope that you at least earn time and a half for your loyalty.

Photo Credit to the following; Max Kleinen, Andy Tootell, Element 5, Gemma Evens and Patrick Tomasso and Heiko Haller

Let Us Pray…in school?

Pardon me a moment while I put on some protective gear. It may be needed once this post becomes public. Okay, now that I am suited up in Kevlar, tucked away in my safe room, and brandishing my weapons, let’s talk about prayer in school. (Next week I will move on from school related posts.)

I am a Catholic Christian, and as I have said before, make no apologies for that.  The reason that I add the, “no apology part,” is that I live in a place where being Christian is the norm but many don’t accept Catholics as being Christian.

Before I get around to my personal opinion on the matter let’s quickly review why prayer in public school is such a hot topic to both those that are opposed and those that are in favor.

Those in Favor Claim: *

 School prayer would allow students an opportunity to observe their religious beliefs during the school day.

Schools must do more than train children’s minds academically. They must also nurture their souls and reinforce the values taught at home and in the community.

A simple and voluntary school prayer does not amount to the government establishing a religion, any more than do other practices common in the U.S. such as the employment of Congressional chaplains or government recognition of holidays with religious significance and National Days of Prayer.

To ban school prayer diminishes the religious freedom of students who would like to pray.

Those Opposed Claim* 

School prayer violates the separation of church and state clause of the Constitution

School prayer is inherently coercive and cannot be implemented in a way that is truly voluntary.

Prayer in school is already legal. Students are already allowed to pray on a voluntary, non-disruptive way. 

The public school system is created for all students and supported by all taxpayers. It should therefore remain neutral on religious issues over which students and taxpayers will differ.

My Two Cents Worth

I honestly don’t understand why this topic is so prone to causing argument and division.  First of all, prayer has not been banned in public schools. I know of several schools in my area where voluntary, student initiated and student lead prayer circles are held on a regular basis.  Staff are present at these times because any student activity at school must be monitored for safety.  At one particular school, I know that staff often volunteer to be present during prayer circle time because they know that just being there demonstrates their support. Also note that monitoring students during prayer circle time is done on a voluntary basis; no teacher is assigned to this as a required duty.

Let’s talk about the part of the Constitution that mandates a “separation of church and state.”  Have you read that document recently? The Constitution does not address this topic. That comment  about separation of church and state was made by Thomas Jefferson is a letter to the Danbury, Connecticut Baptists.

What the U.S. Constitution does say is, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” Sound familiar?  Our country was founded in large part because people wanted freedom to practice their faith even if it wasn’t totally in line with the reining government. They didn’t want the politics or politicians controlling their spiritual lives; I don’t either (Can I get an amen?).  The other part is that the government can’t prohibit the free exercise of religion. I never want that to change either (Can I get another amen?).

I know there are some people reading this that will claim that back when the school day was opened with a teacher led prayer we didn’t have all the problems we have today.  Mass shootings have become common, drug use is destroying lives more than any other time in history and people in general (not just kids) are more disengaged from one another.  Is the absence of teacher lead prayer related to the increase in our society’s problems or is it that fewer families. I say no, the two are not connected.

According to self reporting through the Gallup pole questions, 40% of Americans report regular church attendance. The actual percentage is below 20%.* It is no longer reasonable to expect public schools to reinforce the values that children are taught at home because in truth there is a significant number of parents that are better at lip service than they are about teaching morality and character to their little ones.

We are a diverse nation and not every home embraces the same moral compass.  Those that smirk and say, “Well, they should.” would quickly change their minds if it turned out that what was taught wasn’t in line with their own idea of what is scrupulous. 

Several years back I was talking with a group of educators and the topic of school prayer came up.  I tried to hold my tongue (I was only one of two Catholic Christians in a staff of almost 100) as they all seemed to agree that teacher lead prayer would make a positive difference in the students and thus the community and the country.

While I tried to refrain from sharing my opinion my mind wandered to the the time my son was young and he came to me very distraught.  I learned his friend Michael had informed him (according to Michael’s mother) that he would be going to Hell after he died as would his entire family.  Michael had been taught that Catholics worship idols and are not real Christians.  

I had to say something yet I didn’t want to offend these ladies; several I considered to be friends. I wanted to make them think.  I started by asking a clarifying question. “Are you saying that you think it would be good for us to start our day with teacher lead prayer?”  

The neighbor that had told her child, who in turn told my son that his family would spend eternity in Hell certainly wasn’t a person that I wanted to lead a prayer that my child would have to hear. This neighbor earned her paycheck teaching in the district schools.

My next question cut to the chase. “How would you feel about me leading the students in reciting the “Hail Mary” prayer?”  Their eyes grew wide and jaws fell slightly slack, followed by two seconds of pregnant silence. Finally, one person mumbled, “That would be different, you can’t do that.”  The bell rang and the school day started.  

I know of at least three of these banners displayed at private residences in my city and a couple more at local businesses. I love the message!

They never discussed the topic again in my presence, although I would venture to say they did revisit it in my absence.  I hope they thought more about my question. My intention wasn’t to divide, but to give reason to reflect on how respect should be granted to all, not just to those that pray the same way that we do.

I value prayer, it is an important part of my life.  I can pray anytime and anywhere that I want to communicate with my God. Sometimes that is when I am at church, other times I may be at home, driving my vehicle, at a restaurant or even in a school.  What’s amazing is that this privilege doesn’t discriminate; it is available to any American that chooses to enjoy it. The Constitution has it covered, let’s not mess with it.

Please share your thoughts (prayers are welcome too) in the comments or feel free to email me at May the peace of the Lord be with you.

*Information regarding the pros and cons of school prayer was gleaned from


Thanks to the following for providing photographs; Ben White, NEonbrand, David Beale, and yours truly

The Unwritten Rules for Back to School

The rules have changed and there is a good chance you don’t know what they are.  I’m not talking about rules such as no running in the hallway, raise your hand, and wait to be called on before speaking, or even the no bullying policy.  I am talking about the unwritten rules that no one talks about.  

Rule 1.  Not all kids get treated the same by teachers and administrators.  If you are thinking that well behaved kids get treated better; you aren’t totally wrong, but if you think it stops there then you are missing the big picture. Gone are the days when school employees went out of their way to avoid doing anything that might prompt others to say their child was receiving special attention or privileges. The higher a student’s  parent is in the chain of command the more perks the child is likely to receive. Like every rule, this one has exceptions, but they are more rare than most realize or care to admit. The other kids notice it but most don’t say anything; they realize that there would be no point. What message does this send?

Special treatment is also extended to the kids that have parents that can keep the school looking good in the public eye.  Like it or not school’s are businesses and need to maintain their public image. If a child’s parent(s) works for the local newspaper or other major media source then the school will try harder to keep them happy. After all, administrators never know when they will need to play their, “don’t make this public card.”  School’s can’t avoid having their test scores published; but they can, sometimes, keep the fact that an elementary child brought a loaded gun to school at the rumor level rather than public knowledge. Yes, I’m serious.

Local policy makers, elected officials and friends of school administration are among other groups that can reasonably expect special favors. You are accustomed to this sort of thing in the business world where the most qualified person isn’t always the one hired or promoted.  It is the same type of behavior, but its kids that are getting short-changed. It is part of the learning process, reading, arithmetic and life isn’t fair.

If you doubt that this is accurate, I challenge you to think of the best teacher in your child’s school. You know the one, loves kids, loves learning, and has a real talent for teaching; the one that all the kids and their parents hope to get when the child reaches the particular level or subject taught by this professional. Take a look at who the students are in that class and the influence of their parents. Coincidence had nothing to do with the names on the roster.

Rule 2  If your child has an invisible disability they are at higher risk to be bullied by their fellow students (and staff). Frequently TV, movies and books try to show the bullied kid as being handicapped in a way that is obvious, such as the child that uses a wheelchair or having a profound learning disability.  The reality is that these kids usually fly under the bullying radar and classmates typically just leave them alone. Being left out is far from ideal, but it beats being taunted or tortured. Kids with severe illnesses, the one going through chemo and has lost all their hair, or the one one a special diet due to a chronic condition, are likewise not prime targets for bullying. In fact, their classmates may be protective of them and treat them with extra care and compassion.

  The kids at greatest risk of being bullied are the ones that look like all the rest, but are still different.  The kid with ADHD or tourettes, the one on the high end of the autism spectrum or the kid that is just socially awkward, these are the ones at greatest risk. Sometimes, they are different is a way that defies explanation to both kids and adults. Both kids and adults often fail to demonstrate empathy when they don’t understand the reasons a person acts the way they do. In some cases teachers know about the underlying reasons for a kid’s quirkiness but they can’t reveal this sensitive information to the class. Even if they could offer an explanation to the quirky kid’s peers it wouldn’t guarantee empathy on the part of the classmates. If you parent such a child know it isn’t going to be easy for them or for you.

   Consider having a teacher or counselor speak to the students or share a book that explores your child’s particular condition.  Giving classmates the facts can build empathy. If you decide to go this route I recommend an in-depth discussion with the teacher or counselor ahead of time.  The person that leads this discussion must be prepared to answer difficult questions in a non-judgmental manner. It is also important to include your child in preliminary planning and if the child doesn’t want anyone to talk with the class then their privacy should be honored.  Again, this is something that you may consider, but I am in no way saying it is appropriate in all circumstances.

Teachers are human and they will relate better to certain children than they do to others.  Most try to be fair. There will be kids that will, intentionally or not, push certain teacher’s frustration buttons.  Some of those staff members will be less patient than others. When the kid that gets picked on is also the kid that annoys the teacher on a regular basis then it fans the flames of bullying.  Yes, the teacher is the adult and should be expected to keep his/her emotions in check, but can anyone, in any job, leave their emotions at home? On going, serious effort is essential and some schools have a climate that makes it okay when effort is lacking on the part of the adults. 

Rule 3  Many of us grew up in a time when if you got in trouble at school then you got in more trouble at home. It is still ideal when school and home communicate and work as as team. Time is a big part of the communication break down. Use caution in letting the school handle more substantial issues in regards to your child’s discipline and education.  If you aren’t willing to step up to the plate for your child then you might as well send the school an affidavit stating they can treat your child in any manner they choose. The staff knows who they must coddle, and who they can disregard. That said, remember that no child is perfect, not even yours. Don’t choose to fight every battle as you will get frustrated and your child will be labeled, “that kid with the crazy parent,” but know when to step in.

Prevention will go a long way is such matters, and your best defense is to be a familiar face to school employees. If your career or community status doesn’t make you well known within your community, then be sure to show your face at school both during school hours and at school sponsored events. Chat with staff and schmooze away. Personally, I despise schmoozing and I didn’t go that route, but fair or unfair, love it or hate it, it makes a difference.

When your child has a complaint your first job as parent or guardian is to listen to them.  Pay attention and ask questions for clarification as needed. There may not be a way for them to prove their claim, but you should still ask things such as, who witnessed the event, where did it happen, and what action the teacher or administrator has already taken.

If the school reaches out to you about an infraction committed by your child it is a mistake to automatically believe everything you are told.  The same questions of who witnessed the action and how things are being handled are still appropriate. After getting information from the school, talk with your child about what happened. I recall a time I chewed out my son after receiving an email from his  middle school team leader that said he had been in a fight and that another student’s shirt had been ripped from their body. The real story was that my son and his friend were play fighting, not a single punch thrown by either of them. When I finally got to the bottom of it, I learned that my son’s version was the truth. The other student put my kid in a headlock and in doing so his shirt was raised high enough to expose his abdomen.  The boys picked a poor location to play in this manner but it was the teacher, followed by the team leader that exaggerated what happened and made it sound violent. There had been no fight, no one had their shirt torn, much less torn from their body. Teachers gripe about drama in the middle school but in this case they created it.

Remember, write down what happened according to your child and others. Name names, date it and let it be known you have it. Don’t threaten anyone, that won’t help, simply referring to your notes as you talk to the admin will get the point across in an efficient manner. Hang onto your notes and anything in writing from the school. If the school employees continue to treat your child unfairly; you may need that documentation.

Rule 3  Talk to the Boss. When there is a significant problem you need to jump line and head straight to the administration. They would prefer you talk first to the teacher but that isn’t in your child’s best interest. The principal should be your first contact, unless it is a very severe event, in which case you may want to start with the superintendent. Engage in a non-threatening conversation and expect the same in return.  When they say they can’t name other kids names or tell you about another kids consequences, they really can’t. It’s frustrating, but true. They also have to honor the same in regards to your child; be sure they do.

Before anything happens to prompt you to have to request an audience with the principal, and hopefully you will never need to do that, listen to your child. When/if your child or grandchild talks to you about things that aren’t fair at school your first job is to listen without judging or asking too many questions.  Remember that kids sometimes embellish the story. Usually they do this because they fear that just the truth won’t be strong enough on it’s own to grab your attention. After they share their concern talk about their feelings. What do they think should happen? How do they feel about it? Who saw it, other kids, other staff? Many times the child just wants to be heard.

I wanted to close this entry by saying that most students enjoy school but I didn’t find enough evidence to support such a claim.  According to Web MD, “75% off students express negative emotions about school.” Forbes magazine reports, “Upwards of 40% of all high school students are chronically disengaged.”  Student’s report through questions on the NAEP, National Assessment of Educational Progress, that only 49% of fourth graders enjoy school and by eighth grade it falls to 26% .

Ready or not it’s time for school. Give your babies a hug and tell them you love them. Really listen when they talk to you, and in the words of song-writer Cat Stevens remember, “Oh baby, baby, it’s a wild world.”

Thanks to the following that allowed the use of their photographs: Josh Applegate, Nicole Honeywill, Chinh Le Duc, and Element 5.

Nothing is Confidential

I recently received the letter that you that see in the picture below. There is a good chance you have had similar ones show up in your mailbox. This one was addressed to me, not current resident, and it had my address. Please note, I have never purchased a KIA or done business with any of the “Don Franklin Family of Dealerships.” I wondered how they got my name and address even though I didn’t imagine it would be anything like rocket science.

Knowing that my personal information is available to purchase does make me wonder why I bothered to ink it out..

I opened it up, and as expected, they were hoping to lure me into purchasing a new vehicle from their dealership. I typically drive a vehicle about 10 years; since the one in my garage is a 2017, I was poised to drop the letter into the recycle bin when I noticed the amounts they quoted regarding my monthly payment and my remaining loan balance were both within a few dollars of being spot on. HUH?

I consider such information private and felt very annoyed that they had somehow managed to acquire personal information, that in the not too distant past, wouldn’t have been accessible without my permission.

I further noticed that the attached post-it-note was handwritten, not just made to look that way, and signed by someone named Marc. I concluded that if it is okay for Marc to know so much about me that I would give him a call; after all he gave me the number so it was practically an invitation.

This could be Marc. Marc is a hard worker. That is why his team members field his calls on his behalf. Be like Marc!

I grabbed my phone and tapped in 877-346-9308 (feel free to call Marc yourself) or you can also dial 606-679-1177. A chipper sounding woman answered the phone informing me that they were having a great day at Don Franklin Kia. I asked to speak with Marc, and after asking the chipper lady a few questions, also managed to learn that he holds a position in management. Ms. Chipper made me tell her what my call was regarding. Only then did she say that Marc was out for the rest of the day in a meeting (my guess is the meeting was on the 19th hole). She graciously offered to let me speak with a member of his team. I refrained from sarcastic remarks about which team that might be, major league, minor league or pee-wee; instead I told her I really preferred to speak directly to Marc and that I didn’t mind calling the next day.

I jotted down a few notes for my future chat with Marc. I would be sure to use my “professional voice” and have my ducks in a row. It’s always good to point out a persons strengths so I decided I would tell Marc that I was impressed with the accuracy of the numbers. I imagined saying, “You folks at Kia really do your homework.”

Next, I thought I would start down the path that would eventually lead me to the answers I sought. I planned to comment that I was disappointed that they were only prepared to offer an interest rate of 0.9% since they surely already knew my credit score and that my current interest rate is 0.0%.

I thought I would ask Marc to tell me more about their offer and why it would be a sound decision for me. I was curious what he would find to say about it being a wise financial decision. Ha!

I expected, by that point, Marc would be pretty sure that I didn’t really want to buy one of the vehicles at Don Franklin Kia (by the way, you can also call them at 877-346-9308) and that I best move in for the “kill.” In the interest of trying to decide what is best for me I would say I wanted to compare my loan, payment and interest rate with Marc.

“So Marc, How much do you owe on your vehicle and what is the interest rate?” I would expect Marc to balk or to work around my question; at which point I would ask why He thinks is is okay for Don Franklin Kia to buy my credit information without my permission and then make it available to him and his team. In the interest of fairness shouldn’t I know about his personal finances too? Since Marc is part of a team I would hope he values a level playing field.

I called the next day; when the same cheery lady answered the phone I asked to speak to Marc. I suppose she remembered my “professional voice” and asked if it was in regards to the letter I received and if I had called the day before. She asked me to hold and I wasn’t surprised when Marc didn’t come on the line; the call was picked up by a lady named Johnnie. I told Johnnie that they must have put my call through to the wrong person because I had asked to speak with Marc. She said his team usually takes calls on his behalf (perhaps he was still on the golf course).

I talked to Johnnie, she is on Marc’s team.

I started the intended conversation with Johnnie, however, she sounded young and I thought she was probably some poor kid working on straight commission hoping to buy something besides Ramen on her next grocery trip. I took it easy on her. I never asked her about her car loan or it’s interest rate.

Before we got off the phone I told her that my intention was to let them know that I did not appreciate their way of doing business, or any other company that would stoop to purchasing people’s “private” financial information. I acknowledged that they couldn’t buy it if company’s like Experion, Equifax and Trans Union were not selling it.

She politely told me that there was a number on the back of my letter that I could call to opt out of future letters of this kind. I knew that, but what else could Johnnie say? Of course, when I dialed that number there was no option to talk to a real person, it took over ten minutes to work through the automated system and then I was asked for my social security number. WHAT?? I decided to put in a bogus number that would spell out my thoughts about them and their system. I looked at the letters rather than the numbers I tapped out 382-59-6800. The zeros were added only to complete the fake social. I hoped someone would figure it out.

I can’t stop Experion, Equifax and Trans Union from selling my information even though I wish I could. The only thing I can do is call the people that buy it, waste some of their time and inform them that the actions of their company (Don Franklin Family of Dealerships) has guaranteed that I will never do business with them. If they get enough consumers calling them with the same complaint perhaps they will stop paying for our credit information and the Equifax, Experion, Trans Union and the others will have to find some way other than prostituting others information to make money.

Those numbers again are, 877-346-9308 or 606-679-1177, ask for Marc

I wonder if Marc is somewhere in this picture?

I appreciate the following for their use of their photos: Court Prather, Neon Brand, David Clode, Yours Truly and Google Images where the picture of Don Franklin Kia has no notation of it’s images being protected under copyright.

He’s Talking and Can’t Shut-up!

Just to set the record straight, I am not referring to people that love to have conversations.  I adore an intellectually or fun conversation. I am talking about people that really seem to lack the ability or perhaps self-control to stop themselves from talking.  I have known at least four of these folks very well and three are relatives. The key difference with the non-related gabbster is that, unlike family, I eventually chose to break ties with her.  I have also had a few dates with men that make others suffer from their talking affliction.

 I will start with a chatty guy whom I had the misfortune of spending an evening.  The scene played out something along these lines. I have never been out with a man named Zeke, so I will call this fictional, representative example dude,  Zeke. Zeke represents my loquacious dates from Hell.

 Zeke and I agree to meet for dinner since going to a movie or other type of show would not allow for conversation and a chance to get to know one another better.  The date starts normal enough with us greeting each other and he offers one of the standard compliments that men like to give to women. “You look great, or pretty or hot or some other meaningless adjective, but he is being polite and I appreciate that.  As the host walks us to our table Zeke engages him or her in a brief friendly chat asking them something along the lines of if they were having a good day or if they have worked long at this location. Thoughts  pop into my head that he is a friendly person that likes to be considerate to folks that work in the service industry. Zeke earns a brownie point. Initially, I don’t notice too much about how he doesn’t really wait for the host’s response but proceeds to tell them some kind of short tale about himself that lasts until after we are seated and doesn’t stop until the host finally spews out the name of our server and how they will be with us in just a moment as they make a quick escape.  I write the Chatty-Cathy verbalization off to first date nervousness and even appreciate the time to calm my own first date jitters.

 Zeke turns his attention to me and asks a question about something like my line of work, hobbies, interests, kids….typical get to know you inquiries that also imply genuine interest.  Zeke has just earned his final brownie point. My first cue should have been that I didn’t get to finish my first sentence because Zeke’s eye’s lit up as if new synapses in his brain have just found the cure for cancer.

  Before retiring I made my living as a professional counselor so I became quite adept in the art of active listening.  I didn’t even have to remind myself to focus and make mental notes about the things he enjoys, his accomplishments, his kids, his ex, his car, his job, his hobbies and all of his other stuff.  I briefly had thoughts of things that I could add to the conversation but would soon push those thoughts aside and return my focus to Zeke’s babble. Again, I blame part of this on my profession and training to focus on the other person.  Just because this was a date rather than a therapy session switching gears doesn’t come naturally. I think it is a lot like the way judges and cops don’t like to sit with their backs to the door and chefs can’t help but identify the seasoning and herbs swirled into dishes prepared by others.  Sometimes even random people at places like ball parks tell me all kinds of things that I didn’t need or want to know. My ex-husband used say I had a little neon sign over my head that I couldn’t see but the unstable of the world could clearly read as saying, “Free therapy.”

Most of us know the torture of feeling we are being held captive by an incessant talker

 By the time the check arrives Zeke wants to make plans for a second date while all I want to do is resist the overwhelming urge to poke myself repeatedly in the temple with a fork and escape to my own, very quiet home.  The best thing about Zeke is that, unlike family, I can avoid him. I have met more Zeke’s than I care to recall.

Back to relatives.   I don’t remember my sister being overly loquacious as a child.  But when she popped back into the family after disappearing for years (we later learned she was vacationing at “Club Fed”) she had developed a quite impressive talent for talking without the need of pause to inhale, chew, swallow or even drink.  Thank the Lord she lived 60 miles away and my parents knew to not share my address. Seriously, it was that bad.

 At first I would answer all her phone calls.  I still had landline back then and limited cell phone minutes so the call typically ended when my cordless handset was totally drained of battery and I felt equally lifeless.  All I had to say was hello and every twenty minutes or so bleat out an uh-huh or a hmm. I suppose she liked having me listen and the calls became more frequent.

Due to the inate human desire to survive I learned a few tactics to shorten the calls,  My favorite was to open my own front door and ring the doorbell. I could then blurt out, “There is someone at the door, I’ll talk to you later”.  She wouldn’t stop talking to say goodbye but it helped ease my guilt when I would click the off button and return the handset to it’s cradle.

 That,  along with a few other tricks, helped until she caught on and started returning the call just moments later.  Once in desperation I answered telling her that my husband and I were trying to have sex for the first time in a very long time and asked that she not call back for several hours.  She didn’t miss a beat and informed me that in twenty minutes not only would we be finished but I would be showered and making dinner while he either napped or sat like a toad in front of a football game.  I sadly realized that if we had actually been about to do the deed her time frame would have been spot on. That was when I quit answering her calls and praised the Lord for whoever invented caller I.D.

 About 2 months later I felt guilty for not talking to her.  I reasoned that she was lonely and I needed to be more compassionate and I answered the phone.  Had she asked why I had not been taking her calls I was prepared to sarcastically remind her that my husband and I were having sex.  She didn’t ask and immediately started to pour her verbal vomit into the airwaves. In desperation I put the phone down on the coffee table and went on with my house cleaning.  

 I truly felt bad when thirty minutes later I walked back into the living room and remembered the phone.  I picked it up to click it off and heard a voice. It wasn’t the Lord admonishing me for my rudeness it was my sister’s voice coming through the phone.  She had not even noticed that I wasn’t listening!

 I experienced an epiphany moment!  I said a quick mmm and put the phone back on the coffee table.  I got dressed to go to the gym, put the dishes in the dishwasher and after wiping down the countertops I again picked up the phone.  She was still going strong. I interrupted her announcing, “I need to go to the gym”. When she continued on as if I had said nothing I simply put the phone back on the table, picked up my gym bag and my car keys and went on with my life.  At some point while struggling on the stair climber I wondered how long she would talk before she would realize the battery on my phone had failed, or maybe she wouldn’t notice and would continue to relish the confabulation.

 I wonder if this could be hereditary.  An aunt from my father’s side of the family has tried to reconnect.  She sent a Facebook message letting me know she wanted me to tell her about how my niece had found her biological father.  This was more recent and I made the call from my cell phone while also walking my dog.

 She let me say two, possibly three sentences and then she opened the flood gates that must  have been holding back years, perhaps decades of words. After thirty minutes of not getting to say a word I tried to steer the conversation back to the story she had said she wanted to hear.  She didn’t even acknowledge the interuption and continued. I must say her lung capacity is amazing for an over 70 woman that smoked Camels for most of her life.

 I relaxed my bicep and let the hand clutching the phone glide down past my hip where it picked up the natural sway of walking.  I could still make out the words she was saying and a couple of times I even raised the phone back up to my ear because I thought she was going to let me speak but that didn’t happen.  Eighty-four minutes later when my pooch and I had made it back to our home I brought the phone up to my face and told her that I had go and clicked it off.

Before I retired I would occasionally find myself trapped in my office by a nonstop talker. Fortunately for me, the receptionist was amazing and usually saved me. She would call into my office or tap lightly on the door to tell me I had a call I needed to take or that my next appointment had arrived. Of course there wasn’t a call or person waiting she was just rescuing me.

 I decided this must be a type of mental illness but according to the DSM V it is just a symptom most likely frequently associated with anxiety or ADD.  I have a theory that it can be a symptom or indicator of narcissistic personality disorder.

How would you or do you handle family or others that just won’t stop talking?  Maybe the talker should start a blog. Hmmm, uh-huh, ok.

I will hush now before you label me as I have labeled others! Have a blessed day that includes some peaceful silence.

Thanks to Jason Rosewell, Corey Hearne, Cristen Hume, Kristina flour and Wynand Van Poo from for allowing the use of their photographs.